Herrings
~After A&P by John Updike
You should have seen the way he looked at me, Annie. Like he’d never seen a girl before. Like the concept of the feminine form was just altogether completely foreign to him, a unicorn, or an alien sent from outer space or something! Practically drooled over us, right, Kate? Salivated like the old geezer that he is. I mean, the most exciting part of his day is probably feeling up the cabbages, so what else do you expect? Probably goes home to Mrs. Old Geezer who hasn’t wanted anything to do with him since ‘46. So he’s obviously really excited.
So Annie, here we are, Kate, Emma, and I, just trying to find those goddamn herrings, right? You know the fancy kind, not the can, the one that comes in that sort of marbled glass jar? We’re looking all up and down the aisles, paying no attention to anything but that. It should have only taken a moment or two. I thought we would be in and out in a jiffy, but those silly herring snacks were nowhere in sight, so I was glad I had some extra pairs of eyes. Not that these two did me much good. Before I could tell them to split up and search, Emma heads straight for the baked goods section—
— Yes you did. We all saw you fondling those frosted cupcakes, Em.
OK, so eventually, I realized I wasn’t going to find these herrings. Not on my own. Not without asking. And let me tell you, the guys that worked there were all staring. I told you this swimsuit was a good find, Annie. It’s the perfect shade of dusty rose to really bring out my eyes. You know, Lilith’s on Main Street has the same one in mauve that would look absolutely darling on you, Ann.
But anyway, enough about that. Back to the A&P — so they were all staring at me, and Emma had moved on to surveying the cookies now, or maybe it was the powdered donuts. Kate was somewhere in aisle fourteen or fifteen at this point scanning for some aloe for her god-awful sunburn, which by the way could have been avoided completely had she just worn that deliciously adorable sunhat I picked out for her last week. These two never listen. I always say, a woman’s complexion is the first thing people notice! If you don’t have a pretty face, then honestly, what do you have?
But distractions aside, I was on a mission. No baked good could take my focus away. I knew I needed to get these herring snacks, and I needed to get them quickly. Before my mom started to get really upset. At this point, I knew she’d be at least three or four martinis in, and, well, you know my mom.
So I go up to the bread guy—
— OK, it was the meat guy. That’s not important, Em—
So I go up to the meat guy and he points over my shoulder and stutters something about aisle three. Let’s just say he definitely wasn’t looking at aisle three, Annie. He could barely get out a single sentence without tripping over his own tongue, and his eyes had all but left his skull at this point. Could’ve passed for an owl, the way his eyes bulged. Hoot hoot! He was looking right … here. You know he was.
But I ignored it. Sad thing is, the poor guy couldn’t even help it. Being a man must be so tiresome. I know when we first walked in, Emma and Kate were rethinking the whole swimsuit thing. Emma even tried to wait outside and make us look for the herrings without her. Can you believe that? But I kept telling her it’s no big deal. It’s not like we planned some pool party in the A&P, you know? We didn’t do anything wrong. God forbid a few girls in swimsuits need to pick up a grocery or two.
You know we had just gotten back from the beach, and the sun was absolutely glorious — you really should have come Annie. The water was just splendid, warm and gentle, and it was just one of those days that takes all your cares away with the breeze. No thoughts of schoolwork, or silly boys, or mothers whose only hobbies are screaming at their daughters and gulping down gin. Kate brought us some little sandwiches for lunch, packed in the cutest basket, and we ate them on the sand, and it was really just so nice.
But we hadn’t even made it through the front door before my mom started in on me. Again. I swear, the woman could make a priest cuss like a sailor! Those snobby society ladies she always wants to impress were sitting with her on the patio, and believe me, she had plenty of hors d’oeuvres there, an entire cheese spread too, and enough mini eclairs that even Emma couldn’t have eaten them all, but still, it was the absolute end of the world that I had forgotten to pick up the herrings the day before.
She practically yanked the freckles right off my arm. She was angry and slurring and — remember last June, Annie? How she was at my cousin's birthday party? You get the picture. I just didn’t have it in me to withstand another martini meltdown. Lord knows what she might have thrown this time. No matter how much ointment I put on my arm, the gash from last year still left a scar. So you understand why before she could really let me have it, we got right back into the car and I drove us to the store. Didn’t even stop to get my sandals. And then when we got there, these two didn’t even want to walk in with me. Blabbering on and on about how it was uncomfortable—
— Yes you were! Whining like a little baby. Well, maybe if you didn’t eat so many muffins and then insist upon wearing that god-awful green two-piece then it wouldn’t have been so uncomfortable, Em--
Anyway Annie, I finally found the stupid herring snacks. Walked over to the registers, trying to decide which guy had the least chance of forcing me to endure an unnecessary conversation, when a family with four gallons of pineapple juice went to one line and made up my mind for me. The scrawny kid it is.
Oh! I almost forgot. You should have seen this guy’s face when I pulled a dollar from my top. I was storing it right here, because I obviously didn’t have pockets. Where else could I have pulled it from? I didn’t mean anything by it. But I swear he turned bright burgundy! Didn’t he, Kate? Like a plum.
And that’s when the old man came in from the parking lot. Yeah, the manager. Staring real hard, pretending to be mad about our swimsuits, but I know he was just soaking it all up, relishing all this seventeen-year-old skin. Probably the first woman’s body he’s seen in ten years. Twenty years! But of course, he’s got to pretend to be all high and mighty and lecture us on our clothes, actually, on our lack of clothes, telling us how this was “not the beach” or whatever. At this point I could have gotten mad. Sir, do I look like a moron? Like I’m deaf? I am well aware this is not the beach, old man. Old geezer said it four times, right Kate? We had him stuttering over us.
But I showed him. Never lost my poise, not for a single second! Kept my composure the whole time, just like I’d been trying to get Emma and Kate to do. A little composure goes a long way, girls. I kept my head held high because I saw right through him. You see, at this point Kate was bright pink and Emma was about to start rambling on like she does—
— Yes you do. You ramble. It’s downright pathetic—
But I kept my cool. I was the pinnacle of composure. Flashed the old geezer a big smile. Let him know who's really in charge here. Never faltered. Walked out laughing, those stupid herring snacks in my hand, leaving the little cashier boy to deal with his perverted boss. The two of them following me like sheep.
— Like sheep. Don’t interrupt, Em.
And then we left. The whole thing was a laugh. Right, Kate? Wasn’t it glorious?
You should have seen the way he looked at me, Annie. Like he’d never seen a girl before. Like the concept of the feminine form was just altogether completely foreign to him, a unicorn, or an alien sent from outer space or something! Practically drooled over us, right, Kate? Salivated like the old geezer that he is. I mean, the most exciting part of his day is probably feeling up the cabbages, so what else do you expect? Probably goes home to Mrs. Old Geezer who hasn’t wanted anything to do with him since ‘46. So he’s obviously really excited.
So Annie, here we are, Kate, Emma, and I, just trying to find those goddamn herrings, right? You know the fancy kind, not the can, the one that comes in that sort of marbled glass jar? We’re looking all up and down the aisles, paying no attention to anything but that. It should have only taken a moment or two. I thought we would be in and out in a jiffy, but those silly herring snacks were nowhere in sight, so I was glad I had some extra pairs of eyes. Not that these two did me much good. Before I could tell them to split up and search, Emma heads straight for the baked goods section—
— Yes you did. We all saw you fondling those frosted cupcakes, Em.
OK, so eventually, I realized I wasn’t going to find these herrings. Not on my own. Not without asking. And let me tell you, the guys that worked there were all staring. I told you this swimsuit was a good find, Annie. It’s the perfect shade of dusty rose to really bring out my eyes. You know, Lilith’s on Main Street has the same one in mauve that would look absolutely darling on you, Ann.
But anyway, enough about that. Back to the A&P — so they were all staring at me, and Emma had moved on to surveying the cookies now, or maybe it was the powdered donuts. Kate was somewhere in aisle fourteen or fifteen at this point scanning for some aloe for her god-awful sunburn, which by the way could have been avoided completely had she just worn that deliciously adorable sunhat I picked out for her last week. These two never listen. I always say, a woman’s complexion is the first thing people notice! If you don’t have a pretty face, then honestly, what do you have?
But distractions aside, I was on a mission. No baked good could take my focus away. I knew I needed to get these herring snacks, and I needed to get them quickly. Before my mom started to get really upset. At this point, I knew she’d be at least three or four martinis in, and, well, you know my mom.
So I go up to the bread guy—
— OK, it was the meat guy. That’s not important, Em—
So I go up to the meat guy and he points over my shoulder and stutters something about aisle three. Let’s just say he definitely wasn’t looking at aisle three, Annie. He could barely get out a single sentence without tripping over his own tongue, and his eyes had all but left his skull at this point. Could’ve passed for an owl, the way his eyes bulged. Hoot hoot! He was looking right … here. You know he was.
But I ignored it. Sad thing is, the poor guy couldn’t even help it. Being a man must be so tiresome. I know when we first walked in, Emma and Kate were rethinking the whole swimsuit thing. Emma even tried to wait outside and make us look for the herrings without her. Can you believe that? But I kept telling her it’s no big deal. It’s not like we planned some pool party in the A&P, you know? We didn’t do anything wrong. God forbid a few girls in swimsuits need to pick up a grocery or two.
You know we had just gotten back from the beach, and the sun was absolutely glorious — you really should have come Annie. The water was just splendid, warm and gentle, and it was just one of those days that takes all your cares away with the breeze. No thoughts of schoolwork, or silly boys, or mothers whose only hobbies are screaming at their daughters and gulping down gin. Kate brought us some little sandwiches for lunch, packed in the cutest basket, and we ate them on the sand, and it was really just so nice.
But we hadn’t even made it through the front door before my mom started in on me. Again. I swear, the woman could make a priest cuss like a sailor! Those snobby society ladies she always wants to impress were sitting with her on the patio, and believe me, she had plenty of hors d’oeuvres there, an entire cheese spread too, and enough mini eclairs that even Emma couldn’t have eaten them all, but still, it was the absolute end of the world that I had forgotten to pick up the herrings the day before.
She practically yanked the freckles right off my arm. She was angry and slurring and — remember last June, Annie? How she was at my cousin's birthday party? You get the picture. I just didn’t have it in me to withstand another martini meltdown. Lord knows what she might have thrown this time. No matter how much ointment I put on my arm, the gash from last year still left a scar. So you understand why before she could really let me have it, we got right back into the car and I drove us to the store. Didn’t even stop to get my sandals. And then when we got there, these two didn’t even want to walk in with me. Blabbering on and on about how it was uncomfortable—
— Yes you were! Whining like a little baby. Well, maybe if you didn’t eat so many muffins and then insist upon wearing that god-awful green two-piece then it wouldn’t have been so uncomfortable, Em--
Anyway Annie, I finally found the stupid herring snacks. Walked over to the registers, trying to decide which guy had the least chance of forcing me to endure an unnecessary conversation, when a family with four gallons of pineapple juice went to one line and made up my mind for me. The scrawny kid it is.
Oh! I almost forgot. You should have seen this guy’s face when I pulled a dollar from my top. I was storing it right here, because I obviously didn’t have pockets. Where else could I have pulled it from? I didn’t mean anything by it. But I swear he turned bright burgundy! Didn’t he, Kate? Like a plum.
And that’s when the old man came in from the parking lot. Yeah, the manager. Staring real hard, pretending to be mad about our swimsuits, but I know he was just soaking it all up, relishing all this seventeen-year-old skin. Probably the first woman’s body he’s seen in ten years. Twenty years! But of course, he’s got to pretend to be all high and mighty and lecture us on our clothes, actually, on our lack of clothes, telling us how this was “not the beach” or whatever. At this point I could have gotten mad. Sir, do I look like a moron? Like I’m deaf? I am well aware this is not the beach, old man. Old geezer said it four times, right Kate? We had him stuttering over us.
But I showed him. Never lost my poise, not for a single second! Kept my composure the whole time, just like I’d been trying to get Emma and Kate to do. A little composure goes a long way, girls. I kept my head held high because I saw right through him. You see, at this point Kate was bright pink and Emma was about to start rambling on like she does—
— Yes you do. You ramble. It’s downright pathetic—
But I kept my cool. I was the pinnacle of composure. Flashed the old geezer a big smile. Let him know who's really in charge here. Never faltered. Walked out laughing, those stupid herring snacks in my hand, leaving the little cashier boy to deal with his perverted boss. The two of them following me like sheep.
— Like sheep. Don’t interrupt, Em.
And then we left. The whole thing was a laugh. Right, Kate? Wasn’t it glorious?
Katherine Martini is a New Jersey native and upcoming second year MFA candidate in creative writing at Rutgers University, Newark, where she also received her BA in English in 2018. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Lips Poetry, Variant Literature, Eunoia Review, and peculiar magazine. A 2020 recipient of the Truman Capote Literary Trust fellowship, Katherine intends to complete her MFA in May 2021 and pursue writing full time.
Art: Molly Dunham